…… Jim, and the missing of him, is never far from my mind. Most especially at 2:34 in the morning. Sleep has been elusive since 10 p.m. Its elusiveness leaves a gaping hole inside of me …… where the missing of Jim slides into, and runneth over. A lot.
I miss that man.
The missing of him no longer brings the acute pain it once did. It can, and usually does, bring some tears, but not the debilitating torrent it once brought.
But make no mistake …… I miss him. I love him. I crave him. My heart hurts from the missing of him.
Even in the midst of so much thankfulness.
And maybe especially in the midst.
Because he was, and always will be, the person I am most thankful for.
Always and forever.
There is so much for which I am thankful:
* Our children
* Our parents and siblings
* Our grandchild, who looks at pictures of Jim and gleefully calls out, “Gran pa pa!”
And as sweet and precious and wonderful as that is, it also saddens my heart. It will always be bittersweet, this raising of grandchildren. Because he should be here to experience the pure joy that is grandparenting.
Instead, this amazing experience was stolen from him.
Or that’s my take anyway.
I am so very thankful for him.
For what we had.
For all we did.
For all we said.
For how we loved.
Over the past few years I’ve come to the realization that there will be no other man.
And while that realization can cause me to feel sad at times, it also brings acceptance, contentment, and peace, because it’s exactly what I want.
Or don’t want. Either way, I know that I don’t want to have another relationship.
I experienced life with my best friend. It wasn’t always perfect, but it was always right. We knew that God brought us together, that was never in doubt. Once in awhile we questioned His plan …… SIX kids, God?? SIX??? Are you sure??! …… but we knew it was His plan so we just went with it. Because …… what else could we do?!
I do believe that we were soulmates. And while I think you can have more than one, I don’t believe God has that in store for me.
And I’m good with that. It’s what I want.
There are times I feel sad at the thought of growing old alone, but my life is full and busy and satisfying right now.
I am thankful.
For so very much.
But especially for 27 years of knowing, and loving, that man. And for being on the receiving end of his love. Which was huge.
And now, it’s 3:08 a.m. Maybe now that I’ve expressed these feelings via a keyboard, sleep will come.
But if not, it just gives me four more hours of remembering. And loving the remembering.
Even when it hurts.
This post reminds me of my mom. She was married to my dad for 28 yrs and 28 yrs a widow before she passed. There was never another man. She stayed alone. Family and friends. She was happy. When she passed in 2004 I said “they are finally together again” 🙂
Oh Janine! I hope you got some sleep. I love your open honestly and I’m thankful that you choose to share with us. Because I can’t fully understand. I want to. I wish I had more compassion for you. If I loose Nils then I will get it. And it would probably kill me. You are so strong! You inspire me! Love you! ❤️