I Am On ……


I’ve had it.
I’m toast.
I’ve thrown in the towel.

I’m seriously considering selling everything in my Texas life and heading to NY and not looking back.
What, you may ask, would cause me to do such a drastic thing?
Well, I’ll tell you.
And you’ll laugh. But at this point in time, I’ve really had it, so it’s not so very funny to me.
Maybe it will be tomorrow.
Or next month.
Or ten years from now.

I worked all day today, on the computer, doing what I do to keep up with all things Soaring Spirits. I’ve scheduled a lot of Skype meetings, have already had a lot of Skype meetings, and have several more to do (we’re adding new groups at an amazingly fast pace right now!). So I worked on the computer all morning, until around 3:00.
And then I ran some errands, because I had to return a comforter that I bought for one of the guest rooms. It was a twin sized comforter. The bed in that room is queen sized. How in the world I came home with a twin sized, I’ll never know. I might be a bit worried about that, but I don’t really have time to ponder it.
So I took it back.
And got something else.

But on the way home I decided to make a detour and go over to the other house to check on things. Not that I expected to find anything out of the ordinary in an empty house, but I do watch “20/20” and they recently replayed a show about people moving into vacant houses and claiming squatters rights. That may have, or may have not, given me some motivation to make sure all was well in my big empty house.

I went through the garage door, and noticed that some of the stuff I let Son #2 put there (for his girlfriend, who was moving from one apartment into another), was still there …… 2 months later. I was under the impression that the stuff would be there for 2 weeks.
Color me surprised.
And unhappy.

But I walked past that stuff and on into the house. The first room I entered was the game room. Everything looked fine there. It was empty …… and still looked like a great room. With tons of storage.
Dang, I miss that storage.

Then I moved on into the kitchen area/family room. Now there’s a double sided fireplace in that area. One side is in the family room, off of the kitchen, the other side faces the living room.
I noticed that there was a “log” (it’s a fake gas fireplace) had fallen off of the stack and that a lot of the fluffy fake stuff that was in there was now in the family room. Like someone had stirred up everything in the fireplace and made a mess.
“Weird”, I thought. But whatever.
Then I walked into the living room and saw the other side of the fireplace. The glass and metal doors that are on that side of the fireplace were open. The fireplace screens were open. Someone had opened all four “doors” and left them open.
Again, I thought, “Weird”, and then I shut all of them. Very firmly.

I went through the downstairs …. my bedroom, bathroom, the study, and the dining room and looked things over. Nothing seemed to be amiss.

I then went upstairs.
I walked into Son #3’s room and saw that the blinds had been torn down from the windows. Upon closer inspection I noticed that there was some kind of dark stain on part of them. I wasn’t sure what that was, but the room had an odd smell.

Then I walked into Son #2’s room, and saw that something had been in there, and had decided to poop in that room. It looked kind of like dog poop.
I was stunned.
Who would’ve brought a dog into my empty house and let it poop all over the place?
That’s when I realized that the dark stain on the blinds, was pee.
And then I noted that there was pee in a few other places.

I then went into the bathroom that those 2 rooms shared. I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary …… until I moved the shower curtain back and looked into the tub.
And then I was shocked.
Full fledged shock.

Someone …… or something …… with very dirty feet, had been in that bathtub. All over that bathtub. There was dirt and mud and dirty footprints all over the place. And there was dirt all over the white shower curtain. Upon closer inspection, I saw that there were footprints all over the tub. I started cleaning the tub, as best I could with only hot water and a t shirt to rub all of the footprints with. But I couldn’t get the tub totally clean.
After all of that work, these footprints were still visible:


I saw those footprints and I knew immediately what and who had been in my house. And in that tub.
Those footprints belong to a raccoon.
I kid you not.
Again, you’re probably laughing your ass off right now.
I am not.

As an amateur, but pretty dang good, detective …… here’s what I surmise had happened.

Someone, I don’t know who, I don’t know when, opened the flue of my double-sided fireplace. And left it open.
Now, a family looked at the house this past Tuesday …… two days ago …… and noticed nothing amiss. So evidently, sometime last night, or today, a FREAKING (and you really don’t know how very much I wanted to use another F-word here, but am trying my very best to rein in my anger) RACCOON climbed into my chimney, and then down my chimney, landed in my fireplace, knocking stuff out of said fireplace, and then made his way upstairs. (I’m using the word “he” because I can’t imagine a female of any species being as rude and trashy as this thing was.) He then tried to climb onto the windows of Son #3’s room, tore down the blinds, and then decided to pee on them. He also decided to pee in a couple of other areas of that room.
Then he made his way into Son #2’s room, and felt the need to poop. All over that room.

After all of that peeing and pooping he must’ve decided that he needed a shower.
The tub in that bathroom has a slow leak through the faucet. I’m guessing that this disgusting raccoon decided that he’d like a drink of water. So he climbed into the tub. He then found it a bit difficult to climb his way out of the porcelain hole, even though he walked and climbed all over that tub. We’re talking ALL OVER.
There was mud/dirt caked onto the shower curtain. Let alone the hundreds of footprints all over the tub.
Again, the pictures above were taken after I had scrubbed that tub for at least 20 minutes.

I continued scrubbing it after I took the pics, so it looks a bit better now, but it’s still not footprint-less. I’m going to have to go back over there tomorrow to see if I can clean that tub completely.
We shall see.

After I cleaned it as well as I could, I went back downstairs. I checked the flue, found it open, and then slammed it shut …… as hard as I could. I put the fake log back on the pile and cleaned everything up as best I could.

Then I texted my good friend/real estate agent and told her that a raccoon had been living in my house.
And then I drove home, to my smaller, raccoon-less home. By the time I got home my friend has responded to my text …… just as horrified as I imagined she would. Then she asked me if I’d like to meet for a margarita.
Funny …… that sounded like just what I needed. So I met her for a margarita. Or two.

I’m feeling better now, though I’d still love to catch, and then skin, the raccoon who made its way through the top of my supposedly-animal-proof-chuimney, down said chimney, through my flue, and into my house to pee and poop to his heart’s content.
I hate him.
And yes, I checked the entire house to make sure he wasn’t hiding in it.
Alas, he was not.

So there you go.
Another freakin’ run in with another freakin’ creature.
I need to go to NY. ASAP.

Although …… I have to tell you that as I was approaching my home (the one I live in that has no raccoons), this is what I saw …… as I was pondering on how much I hated raccoons:





Yes, there was a mamma dear and two babies. The closest baby looked just like Bambi, with freckles and everything. How can you think about hating wild creatures as you gaze upon (and take photos of) these beautiful creatures?
So I promptly forgot/let go of the hated raccoon.

For now.

But I’ll be keeping a closer eye on my house now …… and hopefully the two of us will never encounter each other. Because I’m sure that I may be the one doing the peeing if that were to happen. Unless, of course, I decide to bring some kind of weapon with me.
Preferably a fire arm.

We shall see.

You’re totally welcome for this absurd, and perhaps funny, post.
Laugh at your own expense.
What goes around …… comes around.


6 thoughts on “I Am On ……

  1. Janice

    LOL, when we were remodeling a new house I went over on a Sunday morning by myself to work on something and encountered a squirrel who had decided to come down the chimney. I chased him screaming with a broom (while he left filthy footprints all over my new carpet) and within a couple of days had a new squirrel proof screen on the top of the chimney. I feel your pain!!!

    1. mysecondplana Post author

      Thanks, Janice. I, too, have had squirrels in the chimney. (I’ve had many, many animals/birds in chimneys over the years!) I hired a wildlife guy to come over to remove the squirrel. When he opened the flue the squirrel jumped out and onto the guy’s head!!! No kidding! Then he, too, ran through the house like the wild thing that he was. He was finally caught and kicked outside.
      Never a dull moment.

  2. Kim

    Thank you for the morning chuckle! I love reading your blogs!! I hope you have a wonderful racoon-less bambi filled day!

    1. mysecondplana Post author

      Thanks, Kim! You made me smile. I’m glad that you enjoy my blog. It’s a lot more fun to write when you know people are reading and enjoying themselves. And I did have a raccoon-less day!


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