Tag Archives: widowed

A Totally Hilarious, Yet Also Horrifying ……

…… boost to my ego.
Kind of.

But more about that later.

Thank you so much for the comments here and on Facebook about my last post. Thank you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers, and most of all, love.
I am so grateful that I am surrounded by so much love.
Reading that post still makes me cry, but life moves forward.
And the kids and I will continue to take it one day at a time.

Speaking of life moving forward …… those of you who are involved in Soaring Spirits, or who went to Camp Widow East and attended the workshop Arnie and I led, know that I have gone back on line …… to try out the whole dating thing …… again.
Excuse me while I gag.

I hated it the first time I tried it.
I hated it after meeting a colossal fraud/scammer/widow-hunter.
I hated it when I was asked to co-lead a workshop about it.
But I decided to go back to it, so that I could perhaps be a bit more …… balanced in the workshop.
I still hated it.

I am currently on two dating sites. One that charges a fee (E-Harmony) and one that is free (OK Cupid).
I decided to stay on them for a bit longer because the workshop seemed to be a big hit and we may be doing it at Camp Widow West in July.
And maybe I’d have more to report.

Oh.
My.
Word, do I have more to report.
And it’s only been about 2 weeks since Camp.
I may have to lead a week-long seminar.

Here’s what I have to say about MY experience with E-Harmony:
It sucks.
Totally and 100%.
Now, I have to tell you that I know of a number of widows (my dear friends) who met their current husbands on that site.
Evidently, E-Harmony hates me.
The feeling is mutual.

I have not met one single person on that site.
Oh sure, they send me “matches” every day or so, but not once has anyone contacted me.
I feel completely invisible on that site.
And I’ve gone out of my comfort zone and sent “smiles” to several men (excuse me while I hurl.)
Yes, I’ve made the first move several times.
Nothing.
Nada.
Zero.
Zilch.
E-Harmony is dead to me.

And then there’s OK Cupid.
Where I’ve not only recognized, but reported and scared off 2 (TWO) scammers.
Oh, yeah …… I’m the Immigration of OK Cupid.

In all fairness, I have to tell you that it’s not that difficult to spot most scammers. All it takes is a mediocre grasp of the English language. Like verb tenses. And a few participles.
Because these scammers have no grip on them at all.

So scammer #1 sent me quite a few messages, along with a couple of pictures. He claimed to be an American-born, and NY bred, military man. With a couple of kids.
His use of the English language was something more akin to someone born in a third world country.
So I reverse searched his pictures on Google Images.
And found that the poor guy in the pictures was indeed real, but his pictures have been stolen and used over and over and over again on dating sites to scam women.
I immediately reported scammer #1.

Scammer #2? I toyed with him for about a week.
And enjoyed every moment of it.

He, of course, wanted my email address so that he could send me more pictures and I could send him some (red flag #2, after the broken English red flag). I demurred, stating that since I was so new on this site, I preferred to keep all communication there.
He went along with it, as far as I could tell, with his limited English.
After a few messages I asked him where he was born.
He said, “Ireland.”
But he grew up in NY.
Because most Irish-born people don’t know how to use the word “the” in a sentence. Give me a break.

Then he asked me what I was looking for on that site.
This is what I told him:
“I’m looking for an honest man. A man who won’t pretend that he’s someone he’s not and won’t use someone else’s pictures to try and scam a woman.”
To which he replied, “What do you mean? I do not understand what you say.”
I know.
So I replied, “There are men on this site who use a false name and post false pictures to try to meet women. It’s wrong and it’s illegal (I have no idea if it’s really illegal, but I didn’t care at that point).”
Then I asked, so innocently, “So … how long have you lived in America and do you like it?” (Add a flutter of the eyelashes here.)
Here’s his reply: “Are you one of these people? I have not hear of this. You know much about this.”
Too.
Much.
Fun.
This morning, when I saw that last reply, I went on line, trying to think of an amazing come-back. But alas, I found that his picture was gone.
And his account had been deleted.
I know!!!
I totally rocked on that. 🙂

In other OK Cupid news, I went on a date Thursday night.
There will be no second.
I knew that the moment I was telling him about my hip surgery. I can’t remember how that topic came up, but it did. He asked when it had happened. I used one of my major time frame references and said, “It was two years after my husband died.” He then stopped me abruptly by saying, “Wait. Wait. That’s the second time that you’ve said “My husband died”. You don’t need to say it again.”
I.
Know.

He left to go to the restroom and I fought myself, biting my cheek and digging my fingernails into my palms, to not cry and not throw something in fury.
In a minute amount of fairness, during our previous phone calls, he had said that he didn’t date widows because the one time he had, the woman had spent the whole time saying, “My husband and I ate there. That’s where my husband proposed to me. My husband worked there. My husband and I used to go there a lot.”
And I get that. I really do.
That woman was not ready to date.
But I didn’t do that.
To me, Jim’s death is a total time reference. Much the way the births of my children are.
After he said that I did ask him if he was threatened by a dead husband. I said that, yes, I had a husband who I loved, but he’s not in competition with anyone. He’s dead. DEAD.
That’s when he went to the rest room.
And that’s when I knew there wouldn’t be a second date.
He texted me today and I answered him curtly.
He’s not totally stupid.
He hasn’t texted or called again.

So there you go.
Don’t be jealous.

And now, as for the title of this post …… I’m mostly speechless.

I received an email last night from OK Cupid.
I was so speechless that I took a screen shot of it.
Which I now share with you.
Buckle your seat belt.

I know …… it’s too small for you to read. You can click on it and then read it …… or you can read this:

We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid.

We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in Quickmatch and Quiver. Did you get a new haircut or something?
Well, it’s working!

To celebrate, we’ve adjusted your OkCupid experience:

You’ll see more attractive people in your match results.

This won’t affect your match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match’s answers. But we’ll recommend more attractive people to you. You’ll also appear more often to other attractive people.

Sign in to see your newly-shuffled matches. Have fun, and don’t let this go to your head.

Ummmm, yeah. Hilarious. Ego-boosting. And horrifying.
All at the same time.

So I guess I’ve been getting the dregs of their matches.
Until now.
Now that I’m incredibly popular.
Which, for me, begs the question: How horrible are the rest of the women on this site??!!!!!??

And no, I don’t think I’m a total dog, but I hold no illusions about the facts of age and gravity and their impact on a 50+ year old woman.

All that to say, if you’re a single, semi-attractive woman under the age of 45 or so, you should TOTALLY be on this site!!!! You will own it!!!

I’ll leave you with that.
I’m tired.
And I have to get up for barre class in the morning.
And maybe dream about all of the “attractive matches” I’m now going to receive.
Excuse me while I gag, hurl and laugh hysterically.
All at the same time.

🙂

One of Those Dreams ……

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…… that I love and hate.

I love the dream while I’m sleeping. If given a choice, I’d never wake up from it. Because once I do, I hate the dream.
The dream goes from somewhere I’d love to spend the rest of my life …… to something that’s cruel and leaves me feeling cold, hollow …… and sucker punched.

Jim came back. Yep, after six years. My dream was set in the present. As it is every single time I dream it.
I can’t remember what his explanation was, but as usual, it didn’t matter. I was so overcome by seeing him, that the one detail you would think would be important …… wasn’t.

The most vivid part of my dream, the scene that I remember clearly, was Daughters #2 and #3, and Son #1 driving up in one car, and seeing Jim standing on the porch. And then they were all out of the car, running to him and jumping up on him to hug him for dear life (ironic term, isn’t it?).
I cried while watching it, in my dream.
I may have really cried, in my sleep.

One by one, we had all of the other kids come home, too …… without telling them why.
And each one was just as beyond joyful at seeing him.
I remember the joy.

And then I woke up.
This time …… like the time before, and the time before that, etc, etc, etc …… it took me several moments to realize that the dream …… was not my reality.

And that’s the part I hate.
With every fiber of my being.

I went on with the rest of my day. And really, had a good day.
I’m grateful for that. For the ability to know that this dream is not going to suck the life out of me, or knock me down.
Now.

It will not set me back. Even though every time it pops into my head during the day, I feel sad.
I know it’s a momentary sadness.
Even if it lasts a day.
Or more.

I imagine that this dream will continue to come to my nights for the rest of my life.
Just as the sadness of missing him will come to my days.

But I know that’s ok.
It’s just …… one of those dreams.

Snow and Tears ……

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…… are what the last couple of days have contained.

The snow started Sunday night, and has continued on and off over the following days.
It’s been an eventful couple of days.

Yesterday, after a very hard workout, I took my mom to a late lunch in Chinatown. Son #3 and I had gone to this restaurant back in March. We just happened to come across it and so went in. And experienced one of the best Chinese meals ever.
So I made a note of this restaurant, on my calendar … back in March.

And yesterday it was just as I remembered.
The dish I remember best, and have yearned for since March, was this:

And yes, it was just as fabulous as I had remembered. Hot and Sour Soup. The best I’ve ever had. Anywhere. Hands down.

On our way back from the restaurant we were hit up by the “Pssssst, want a bag? Michael Kors? Tory Burch? Gucci? Louis Vuitton?
And of course, we said …… maybe. Which left us waiting in the dark for about 25 minutes while the illegal bags were obtained and brought back to us.
And we, of course, made a deal, and left with two of them.
I’m hanging my head in shame as I’m typing this.

After returning from our very late lunch, and illegal shopping excursion, I had to leave to go to my last stand up class. It went well.
Now I just need to memorize every single word.

We rehearse our sets on Wednesday, and then we perform them on Sunday.
So help me, God.
And hopefully, He’ll help me.

Today I had a meeting in Harlem at the Head Start school where I’ll be volunteering. It looked like this this morning:

And of course I drug my mom out in the snow to Harlem.
Besides, she wanted to go somewhere for the oh-so-awful-sounding-meal-of-chicken-and-waffles.
Or at least I thought it was awful-sounding.
She loved it.

We went to Amy Ruth’s, which is a pretty well-known place.
I passed up the chicken for some bacon, which was very good. As was the waffle, which I only managed to eat half of.

After that feast (?) we headed back to run a couple of errands and to get ready for tonight’s show.

This is the set. It’s a duplicate of the house where he grew up.

We saw Billy Crystal’s one-man show, “700 Sundays”. It was wonderful. And then very emotional. Especially for me.
But you can read about that here.
But maybe not until midnight, Pacific Time.

All in all, my mom had a great visit. I think I ran her ragged. But I also think she had a great time.
She’s leaving tomorrow morning, and then I’m heading out to see “Betrayal”, which hasn’t received good reviews, but who cares?? It’s Daniel Craig and his wife, the beautiful Rachel Weisz. So it should be entertaining enough.
After that I have my last rehearsal for my stand up routine. Double gulp.
I hope that all of my NY and NJ friends can come to see the show, especially since I won’t have any family there (other than D#3, who’s also performing and who is MUCH more hilarious than I am!).

I’ll miss my mom, but hopefully she’ll be back again soon.

On the move front:
I’ve given the US Post Office my change of address …… to here.
I’ve given my bank my change of address …… to here.
I’ve given my notice at the country club back home.
I’ve let my tennis team captain know that I won’t be back to play on the team (but would love to play any time I visit).
And I’ve made a mental note of all of the things that have to be packed up to be placed in storage, moved up here and sold/given away.

So yes, I’ve decided to live here …. in NY …… full time.
And I’m so excited!!!

On that note, I bid you adieu …… and hope that you all get a good night’s sleep.

Happy Tuesday/Wednesday, Peeps.
🙂

Let It Snow ……

Four Small Words ……

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…… that I never thought I’d say. And that those who know me never thought they’d hear/read.

I. Love. Being. Cold.
Totally!!!

I know! Go figure. But trust me, at this point in my life, and some of you know exactly what that point is, being cold feels great. No, I’m not having hot flashes. I don’t seem to have those. I just seem to “run” a whole lot warmer than I used to. And I mostly hate that.
But …… I must say that if this is where I’m going to live …… then God knows exactly what He’s doing. (Big surprise. Not).
It wasn’t all that long ago when I absolutely abhorred the cold.
And “cold” was anything below 50 degrees.
Ha!

As you can see from the picture above, it was in the 30’s this morning. And I took that picture just as I started out on a 2 mile walk to my new book club. It felt great.
I find it so hilarious to see people bundled up from head to toe, literally, when I’m barely finding the need to wear a jacket.
Yesterday it was in the 40’s when I went out in jeggings, and no socks. Unfortunately, I know that I stuck out like a neon light.
Fortunately, I didn’t care.
🙂

So the lunch on Monday was fun. I met 12 women that day, and I wasn’t the only newbie. I had a great time and now have a new restaurant in Tribeca to recommend.
Some of those women were at the book club meeting today. Where I made even more new friends.
And I didn’t even read the book.
Ha!
(Just so you know, the hostess invited me on Monday, and said it was perfectly ok to come without reading the book. And I wasn’t the only new one who hadn’t read it.)

Later this afternoon I decided to go see a movie. I looked up what was showing and found that the next movie was “Thor”. I only live about 5 minutes from an AMC and the movie was supposed to start in 5 minutes. Now, I’ve been to that AMC a few times and I happen to know that they show previews and commercials (ad nauseum) for at least (and I’m not kidding) ….. 20 minutes.
So I knew that I had plenty of time.
And I did.

I made it to the theater and found only one other person sitting in there. Which was no great surprise. I mean, it was “Thor”.
I sat down and started watching commercials.
And commercials.
And commercials.
And more commercials.
And then people started to wander in.
Old people.
Old, female people.
Two, three and four at a time.
Talkative, old, female people.
After two of these people decided to sit in my row, I took stock of my surroundings.
And surmised that I HAD to be in the wrong theater.
Because …… really??!!!

So I went outside to check the marquee.
And it read,”The Book Thief”.
Arghhhhhhhh!!
I walked around the lobby, trying to find the right auditorium (or whatever it’s called in a movie theater), and couldn’t find it.
Double arghhhhhhhhhhh!!!
By that time it was about 30 minutes past the start time and I knew that, even here, I had missed the beginning of “Thor”.
And if there’s one thing I hate (one?), it’s missing ANY of a movie.
So I decided that “The Book Thief” was the movie I was supposed to see today.
And boy was it.
I loved it.
In spite of the tears.
Dang it.

Funny thing. Even though I had looked high and low for the right theater, and hadn’t found it, it was right next to the theater I had gone into. I saw it as soon as I walked out of the theater.
Go figure.

That’s not the only thing I saw.
When I went into the AMC I noticed that they were setting up for a red carpet event.
A movie premiere, ya’ll.
Like ….. big time.
I KNOW!!!

I looked around inside to see if I could figure out what movie was premiering, but I couldn’t, and then in the confusion of what movie was showing where, I forgot about it.
Until I left.
And then the lobby was packed with press and people dressed in black.
Which, if you’ve ever been to NY, or seen any movie set in NY, should come as no surprise.
But still.
The press was there in droves. And there were several tables set up for people to check in.
I paused for about one nano second, or maybe two, to wonder if there was any chance that I’d be able to think of a name …… and check in, but I decided that I really wasn’t dressed appropriately.
Or in enough black.
So I left.
And that’s when I saw even more press. There were vans from all 3 major networks, plus FOX, plus WGN, plus a ton of other networks (except for ESPN. I think.)
I took a quick picture of the red carpet set up …… they had it encased in plastic because of the cold.

Yes, if I were a really good blogger who thought only of her readers, I would’ve stuck around and snapped some pics of celebrities …… all for you.
But it was cold.
And getting colder.
And while I love me some cold …… I’m not insane.
Mostly.

🙂

A Sunday ……

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…… by myself …… in New York.
I. Love. It. Here.

Today I took a tour of Grand Central Terminal (which is better known by its incorrect name, Grand Central Station). I love history. Always have. So I was excited for this tour. It was called, “The Secrets of Grand Central”. And yes, I learned quite a few very interesting, though mostly-unknown-to-the-public facts.

And I took a lot of pictures, which I will now share. Be warned: this is probably like someone showing you their vacation photos. Totally boring. Except for those of you who are living vicariously through me. You know you who are. (as do I!)
I hope they don’t bore you too much. If they do, please feel free to go check out Pioneer Woman’s blog. She rocks. 🙂

Just as we started the tour, I saw this couple and thought I’d snap a picture. Or 5.

This was a couple who were practicing some kind of stunt there. Why? I have no idea.

But they were in the background (here debating their next move) behind the happy couple.

Who weren’t really all that happy to have them in the background …… falling.

I love taking pictures of things (people, curves, angles, colors, whatever) of things that just catch my eye. Not anyone else’s. I’m ok with that.

This is a large alcove off of the grand staircase and entry room of the Grand Central. Due to the degree of the curve (geometry makes me hurl) you can stand in one corner and whisper to someone in the opposite corner and they can hear you as clearly as if you were on a phone. It’s SO cool! And very, very strange looking.

More pictures of things I liked.

Look who showed up again!

We moved the tour outside, to see the statues and things on the building.

It was a wee bit overcast today. This building goes much higher than what you can see here.

The clock on the outside of Grand Central? It’s the world’s largest clock made out of Tiffany glass. I know!!! 🙂

After the tour I decided to walk around the city. I found myself in Bryant Park (you know, the capitol of “Fashion Week”, whenever that is). And low and behold, right smack dab in the middle of everything was this:

There was also a Christmas market going on, all around the park. This end is right behind the NY Public Library …… that huge building in the background. I LOVE me some library.

This was a statue outside of the library, decorate for Christmas. I don’t know who it is, but maybe I’ll find that out one day and let you know.

I have no idea what this building is, all I know is that I think it’s very cool.

More evidence of the clouds:

And, last but not least, a carousel. What could be better than that? Especially when you have an ice skating rink right beside it. Score!

So that was my day. Oh, wait ….. I almost forgot. I googled “flea markets near me” and found quite a few. I decided to go to one that was close to my apartment. I was looking for dishes…… specifically plates, since there will be 9 people in my apartment for Thanksgiving. And I don’t have 9 plates. Or should I say, “I didn’t have 9 plates.”??

Because now, after scoring hugely at said flea market …… with these:

Dishes from an entire 12 piece set of china. How hugely was my score? I’m glad you asked. Are you ready? $40.00. I know! I couldn’t believe it, either. That’s what happens when you go to a flea market at the end of a cloudy, somewhat rainy day. You score!! I think I have enough dishes now. Forever. 🙂

That’s it for my Sunday. Tomorrow I’m going to lunch with the …… (drum roll please) …………….. Manhattan Women’s Club. I’m a new member. Don’t ask too many questions, because I don’t have very many answers. It’s a group of women who love Manhattan and try to experience as much of it as they can, from theatres, museums, restaurants, tours, shopping, books …… you name it, they do it. My friend from college, Jeni (who also goes back and forth from her home in Houston to here) is a member and gave me the info for it. So I’m doing lunch with them tomorrow and I need to finish the book they’re doing for their book club (Garlic and Sapphires). But I have another couple of weeks for that.

Oh, and then there’s my homework for the standup comedy class that I’m taking. Yes. Yes, I am. Daughter #3 is taking it, too. We’re performing at a comedy club here in NY on December 15th (which I try not to think about because I truly feel like hurling at that thought).

On that note, I’m done. Thanks so much to each and every one of you for contacting me and wanting to be here, reading what I write. I think you’re a bit insane, but then there’s no accounting for taste. Right?

Happy Sunday. From New York. 🙂

Life Goes On ……

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…… as does blogging.

Sometimes it starts with a new place. As it has with me. And this blog.

I’ve moved from Texas to New York. If anyone would’ve told me 5 years ago that I’d be living here, in NYC, on my own, I would’ve told them that they were crazy. After Jim died, I knew that I would never leave Texas, never leave our community. It’s funny how time changes things. And people. Some for worse. And some for better. I’ve been through both. On many levels. But now, in my second Part A, I’m seeing mostly better.

So I’m living in NY. Mostly. I still have a home in Texas and so I have to go back there periodically. But I don’t stay long. I don’t miss much about Texas. It’s a very bittersweet place for me now. My husband and I lived there for 16 1/2 years. And it was mostly wonderful. I never wanted to live in Texas. In fact, I told him that I would live almost anywhere, but not there. God has a big sense of humor, does He not?

Not long after telling Jim that I wouldn’t live in Texas, he was transferred there. And so we moved. And I hated it. Hugely. For the first year. It took me that long to know that everything would be ok. One full year. That would later be a guide for me. The “one full year” ruler. If I could survive for a full year, then I knew I’d be ok. Not that I used that ruler after Jim died. I knew better than that. I wasn’t foolish enough to believe that I’d be ok after only a year. No way. No how. It took more like five.

And here I am …… almost six years out, and I’m ok. In fact, I’m more than ok. I’m really living. And living as fully as I can. Jim would be very proud. I know I am. Not that life is perfect. No life is. These past 6 years have taken a toll on me, my children and our family. But it was what it was. And it is what it is. Children are still growing up. And maturing. Sometimes that’s a very, very hard road. For everyone involved. Add to that a dead parent, and the road is almost impossible to traverse. I know this much …… it’s impossible to come out of it unchanged.

I am changed. My children are changed. Our family is changed. I never saw any of this coming. I never pictured our family looking the way it looks today. Thankfully. But it is our family. For good and for bad. It’s my family.

So again, here I am in NY. And I love it. Very, very much. I’m starting the second part of my life here. I don’t know how long I’ll live here. Or if I’ll ever live here full time. But I do know, that for now …… right now …… it’s where I want to be. This city has been described as resilient, energetic and optimistic. So it’s the right place for me. Because now …… 6 years later …… so am I.

🙂

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My Second Plan A

After my first Plan A ended tragically, and all too soon, I came up with my second Plan A. It took a while, but now I'm ready to live again. And live fully.