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…… in the space of a year.
It’s been a little over a year since I last wrote a post.
I’ve found that when things are going smoothly, I have less to say.
I wouldn’t say that the past year has been smooth. It’s been full of half-assed decisions and choices and questions.
But there was nothing that I felt like writing about.
It’s difficult to write about negative feelings when you feel that you should feel blessed and happy.
Yes, even if you’ve been widowed.
I shouldn’t complain.
I don’t want to complain.
I can’t complain.
Well, yes, I can, but I really can’t, if you know what I mean.
I’m starting to feel like it’s time for a new adventure.
And that’s as far as I’ve gotten.
This will come as a surprise to many, if not most, of my friends, family and readers (if there are any left out there!).
I think it’s time to leave New York.
Not immediately or anything.
Maybe not even in the next year.
But the time to leave is approaching.
I can feel it.
I can’t explain it, really.
It’s just a feeling that won’t go away.
I have loved NY more than I can ever say.
It has helped me to heal, grow, learn and open my eyes to this country.
It has entertained me, given me friends I’ll always love, and taught me things I never would’ve learned elsewhere.
NY has made me appreciate diversity more than I ever thought possible.
It has taught me empathy, love for the underserved, and how “christianity” is seen outside of the “bible belt”, where diversity is often seen as “un-christian”.
And now what?
Exactly.
I’m not sure.
My top option is to move back to Tulsa, where I have family and friends. It’s closer to the grands, so that’s a plus.
But the political landscape there is a huge drawback for me.
As is being back in the “bible belt”.
Don’t get me wrong.
I’m a Christian.
Always will be.
But I’m not the kind of “christian” that seems to dominate the news lately.
I’m not a christian nationalist, by any stretch of the imagination.
I follow Jesus, not white men who pretend to speak for him.
And I will continue to speak against those people and the party who pretends to follow him.
But I dread living someplace that’s red, to put it bluntly.
So …… I do nothing.
For now.
Yes, it’s time for a change.
I’m just not certain what that change is going to look like.
And that’s okay.
For now.
P.S. It occurred to me, about an hour after I posted this, that tomorrow would have been our 41st wedding anniversary.
I will always believe that our bodies remember events, even when our minds aren’t tuned in.
I still miss that man every single day of my life.
I will always miss him.
These decisions, changes, moves, etc. are much more difficult without him.
This wasn’t the plan.
And thus, I fail to plan.
My Second Plan A 
I love you. And will 100
percent be happy for you whatever your decision. But not gonna lie. Will be sad when you’re not so close to NJ! Understand the close to the grands. Also understand not wanting to be in a certain political climate. Not that I have ever lived further south than NJ. But knowing what my Florida daughter and daughter in law face can for sure say it would be a hard call. Also. This doesn’t surprise me in the least. I’ve had a feeling NYC wasn’t quite feeling as “home”‘to you as it has in the past.
I love you, too. And will be sad to be further away from you. But who knows? I may end up staying put for longer than I anticipate.
Isn’t it nice to have options!!!
Colorado is blue… very blue!!
Colorado is blue. I think I fall more into the purple shade. It’s certainly, as well as what my children have shown me, made me realize there’s a way to live happily no matter what shade your state is. Just saying…Good luck!
Janine, thank you for letting me know that it’s all right to have uncertain plans and to always hold tight to my values as a Jesus follower. Proud to be your friend!
Decisions can be so difficult in this political climate. I think about leaving Texas all the time, as do my kids, but we keep coming back to the fact that if we leave, that leaves less people to vote for positive change. We need more and more open minded, free thinkers to come to Texas if we want a chance to stop the ruination of public education, book banning, diminishing rights for women, etc. And you’d be close to your grands. Oklahoma needs the same. Just my two cents. Good luck.
Thank you, Lee. That does keep popping into my head.
You will be able to find like-minded folks no matter where you live. The grands would be a huge draw… they’re little for such a short time. Blessings as you navigate this new season of life.
Lorraine Fritch Menifee, CA