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…… in the space of a year.

It’s been a little over a year since I last wrote a post.
I’ve found that when things are going smoothly, I have less to say.
I wouldn’t say that the past year has been smooth. It’s been full of half-assed decisions and choices and questions.
But there was nothing that I felt like writing about.

It’s difficult to write about negative feelings when you feel that you should feel blessed and happy.
Yes, even if you’ve been widowed.
I shouldn’t complain.
I don’t want to complain.
I can’t complain.
Well, yes, I can, but I really can’t, if you know what I mean.

I’m starting to feel like it’s time for a new adventure.

And that’s as far as I’ve gotten.

This will come as a surprise to many, if not most, of my friends, family and readers (if there are any left out there!).
I think it’s time to leave New York.
Not immediately or anything.
Maybe not even in the next year.
But the time to leave is approaching.

I can feel it.
I can’t explain it, really.
It’s just a feeling that won’t go away.

I have loved NY more than I can ever say.
It has helped me to heal, grow, learn and open my eyes to this country.
It has entertained me, given me friends I’ll always love, and taught me things I never would’ve learned elsewhere.

NY has made me appreciate diversity more than I ever thought possible.
It has taught me empathy, love for the underserved, and how “christianity” is seen outside of the “bible belt”, where diversity is often seen as “un-christian”.

And now what?
Exactly.
I’m not sure.

My top option is to move back to Tulsa, where I have family and friends. It’s closer to the grands, so that’s a plus.
But the political landscape there is a huge drawback for me.
As is being back in the “bible belt”.

Don’t get me wrong.
I’m a Christian.
Always will be.
But I’m not the kind of “christian” that seems to dominate the news lately.
I’m not a christian nationalist, by any stretch of the imagination.
I follow Jesus, not white men who pretend to speak for him.
And I will continue to speak against those people and the party who pretends to follow him.

But I dread living someplace that’s red, to put it bluntly.
So …… I do nothing.
For now.

Yes, it’s time for a change.
I’m just not certain what that change is going to look like.

And that’s okay.
For now.

P.S. It occurred to me, about an hour after I posted this, that tomorrow would have been our 41st wedding anniversary.
I will always believe that our bodies remember events, even when our minds aren’t tuned in.
I still miss that man every single day of my life.
I will always miss him.
These decisions, changes, moves, etc. are much more difficult without him.
This wasn’t the plan.
And thus, I fail to plan.