…… it’s year 14.
That’s 168 in dog years.
Which totally feels appropriate some days.
But this year ……
This year was different (and yes, I realize what an understatement that is for the entire world but I’m not talking about Covid).
This year, for the first time in 168 dog years ……
Didn’t see it coming.
Even though I know the date.
Even though …… even though …… everything.
The picture above is my calendar.
The calendar that I change every day.
As I was on my way to bed on Dec 16th I switched the date on the calendar to the 17th.
And never thought about it.
I went through the entire day not thinking about it.
I looked at that date more than once.
And the only thing I thought was, “I need to make three phone calls tomorrow.” because the 18th happens to be the birthday of my sister, my brother and my step-dad.
That’s all I thought.
Then last night I received a text from a loving friend, saying that she’s thinking of me and of Jim (even though she never met him …… I love friends like that).
And just like that ……
I sat on my sofa, stunned. My brain turned to a kind of spider web of mush and I really couldn’t think. I was just …… stunned.
And then I said two words, aloud.
I’m still stunned …… 18 hours later.
My brain still doesn’t know what to think.
I “know” it’s a good thing.
My mind knows that, even in its state of shock.
But my heart.
My heart feels sad that I forgot.
It’s a strange kind of limbo.
I have no plans for today.
Which is probably good because I feel like I just need to sit with this.
Well, sit with it and watch the new Sex in the City episodes.
Which I already did.
And yes, I cried. But it wasn’t a “bad” cry.
It was more of an “I get it” cry.
Not “I get it but I wish I didn’t”.
Not “I can’t believe this is my life”.
Not “I will never survive this”.
Just …… “I get it.”
I’ve missed him a lot lately.
I missed him at OSU’s Homecoming.
I missed him when our granddaughter played in front of his picture so that he could watch her play.
I missed him at my niece’s wedding, especially as I watched my brother dance with his daughter.
I missed him at Thanksgiving when all of the grands were around.
I missed him on birthdays, anniversaries, days in Texas, days in NY, when I see my children, etc.
You get the picture, right?
I miss him still.
But for the first time.
The very first time.
Just like that.