….. right?
I mean, it’s mostly good.
And I try to focus on that.
So why am I sitting here, crying because I miss him?
Again.
I hate this.
I really, really hate this.
This shitty wave that comes out of the blue and smacks me upside the head, knocking me to my knees.
Again.
It’s been ten damn years.
There should be no more waves.
Right?
Ten. Freakin’. Years.
I just got back from a trip to Hawaii with Son #1, Daughter #2 and grandsons 1 and 2 (2 is a foster grandson but I love him all the same).
We had a great trip.
It was kind of exhausting, but it was good.
I have a great life.
But in the midst of this great life there is a shadow that seems to hang just behind me, over my right shoulder.
Where he should be, I guess.
That shadow is always there.
Always.
I don’t always acknowledge it.
Or actively look for it.
Or even see it …… sometimes.
But it’s there.
But every once in a while …… it comes over me …… and reminds me of the life I had.
And of the life I should be having.
And of the life I’m missing.
The man I’m missing.
Damnit to hell.
My Second Plan A 
I understand how you are feeling. It will be ten years for me on October 23. I feel the slow slide to depression starting already. It happens every year. My friends don’t understand it. In their minds it is long over but we know it will never be over. We just have to get through it. Hang in there. Sharing memories of him with your kids helps.
Thanks, Linda. Today’s a new day. The waves don’t last long anymore, usually only a few hours. And of course they hit pretty late at night so it’s difficult to talk to the kids then. But definitely do when I can. Good luck with the month. I so understand. ❤
I’ve missed you and wondered where you’ve been. Do you still have the apt in NYC? I’m thinking I wanna do something like that. Somewhere to jet off to that’s mine. Of course I’m concerned about the cost but it sounds like an adventure I need. And I need something to jumpstart me back in to life. Before I do something real wild and crazy. Or maybe wild and crazy is exactly what I need.
Hi, Frances, I’m still here! And yes, I’m still in NY, too. I continue to go back and forth between Texas and NY but definitely prefer NY. I say jump into wild and crazy with both feet!! But be sure to let me know where you land! ❤
My life is pretty fantastic, too. Sometimes I embarrassingly good. Then other times I crash and burn. And that really blows.
Janine, I love you! I remember your old life very very well. I’m not sure I could ever get over it either! But I admire you in a million ways, and my heart hurts for you!
I love you, Malinn. And miss you. Thanks for remembering. ❤
I was just nodding along as I read this. It will be 12 years on next Monday since I lost my mom who was my best friend, and for weeks I’ve been feeling the slide. Remembering all the hospice trips…it doesn’t help that she died the same date as my beloved granddad had and both of them exactly a week before my birthday. And as usual, I didn’t realize why until I’d been slip sliding down into the funk for a week. Sending hugs your way.
Thanks, Chris. And hugs right back to you during this crappy time. ❤
Hi Janine, It’s been a little over 12 years for me and I still have my moments. Especially when we are doing family things and know how much he would have enjoyed it! I so wish he could have been able to spend time with our boys as adults, he would have loved it! I don’t have grand kids yet, but I know that will be another event that I know my husband would have loved. We used to talk about how we would be as grandparents…. sigh….